


there's nothing out there for me without you

by daydoodles



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Hospitalization, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 20:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8027209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydoodles/pseuds/daydoodles
Summary: 32. "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified."





	there's nothing out there for me without you

**Author's Note:**

> Well, guess who got another [prompt from tumblr](http://irlkent.tumblr.com/post/150132954044/send-me-a-pairing-and-a-number-and-ill-make-you)? Yeah, I don't know who sent this one but they asked for Pimms and #32, so whoever they are, they must love dying and being dead.
> 
> But I mean same, so here we are.
> 
> Also the title is from [this song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jZHfX2aMfjw), so listen to that if you want to spiral even deeper into depression. :)))))

Kent is the one who finds him, sprawled out on the bathroom floor in a puddle of blood and puke, unconscious and nearly dead. He panics, because who wouldn't, and immediately drops to his knees so fast he bruises himself on the tile.

“Zimms? Wake up, please. You gotta wake up.” He shakes Jack’s limp body, but doesn't even cry, because he can't. He can feel himself slipping away, into the dangerous territory that's somewhere between shutting down completely and feeling everything too much, but he can't do that; not now, because Jack is dying and someone needs to call an ambulance.

So he does. His hands are almost as shaky as his breath as he dials the numbers, just three buttons he can hardly bring himself to push, because this can't be happening. But it is, so he calls, and his voice will barely work but he manages to choke out an explanation and a desperate request for help. The lady on the other end of the line says something about an ETA, but Kent’s not listening. He's too busy straining his ears to hear the faint rise and fall of Jack’s chest as he breathes.

The ambulance gets there in ten minutes, which isn't long but feels like eternity, and gives Kent more than enough time to call Jack’s parents. He tells them what’s happened; he’d been texting Jack all night, asking if he wanted to do something since Bob and Alicia were at a charity event, but never got a response so he started to worry. Normally Jack isn't great at texting, but he always lets Kent know when he's busy, so he'd known something was off. That's why, when he burst into the house and heard Jack’s therapy dog barking hoarsely from hours of howling, he let the dog drag him to the bathroom to find his best friend sprawled out on the floor. Bob and Alicia aren't supposed to leave the event, but they frankly don't give a shit, and tell Kent they'll meet him at the hospital as soon as they can.

Kent rides in the ambulance with Jack; it’s eerie, sitting there with the most important person in his life besides his own mother lying unconscious surrounded by three complete strangers, holding Jack’s limp hand as the EMT’s do their best to stabilise his vitals. It's hectic, sensory overload, but Jack’s hand in his is grounding and if Kent presses his thumb to the crook of Jack’s wrist he can just feel his pulse, and that's enough to keep him sane. Or mostly so, for the time being. He doesn't hear what the others say, only focuses on Jack, on keeping his head steady like the EMT asks him to. Somehow, he thinks, maybe if he runs his thumb across Jack’s cheek it will be enough to wake him. It isn't.

When they reach the hospital, Kent gets swept up in the rush of running Jack to the nearest available room in the ICU, and ends up perched on the windowsill by the bed, still holding onto Jack’s hand like his life, not Jack’s, depends on it. He’s shooed away for a few minutes that feel like forever, so the doctors and nurses can have easier access to Jack and all the machines they're hooking him up to, but Kent just stands in the corner and studies their faces. Every now and then he’ll catch a glimmer of hope in a doctor’s eye, a flash of encouragement on a nurse’s face, and he feels ever so slightly better. Not reassured, not relaxed, but maybe disillusioned in a good way.

Bob and Alicia get there ten minutes after they do, which is a record considering it would normally be a twenty minute drive. Kent doesn't say anything, just catches their eyes and nods toward the bed, where Jack is still being given shots and IV’s and god knows what else. Kent has no idea what’s going on, but Bob seems to be listening intently as the doctor explains the situation, and Alicia is pushing Jack’s fringe back off his forehead, so Kent knows they will protect him in ways Kent himself never could.

After nearly an hour of stress-induced pacing, Kent has to leave. He’s seen enough of how still Jack’s gotten, how glassy Bob’s eyes are, how broken Alicia looks. They're good people, they don't deserve this, and Jack doesn't deserve to believe he does either. Kent can't really form an opinion on his own standing in the matter, but even if Kent had this coming there's no reason the rest of them should have been dragged along for the ride.

He steps out and calls his mom, even though he knows she's at work, and leaves a message so she’ll know what's happening whenever she gets her next break. He won't ask her to leave; they need the money too badly, and Kent doubts they'd allow another person in the room anyway, but at least she’ll be there for emotional support in whatever way she can. When he hangs up, he sits on a couch near a vending machine and stares at the wall for longer than he wants to think about, till finally Bob comes to find him.

“Hey, Kenny.”

Kent looks up, straightening his shoulders out till he hears a pop. “What did they say?”

Bob sits next to him, and looks just as tense as Kent feels. “He’ll be okay. They pumped his stomach, gave him some fluids, medicine, you know. He won't wake up for a few hours, probably, but if you want to go see him you can.” He stands, patting Kent’s shoulder, and walks away. Alicia joins her husband to walk toward the elevators, and Kent takes it for the invitation it is. They've had their moment, now it's Kent’s turn; as much as he wishes there wasn't a moment to be had.

It's almost an out-of-body experience, walking back into the hospital room, and seeing Jack there nearly lifeless, attached to at least five different monitors. Kent shuts the door quietly, despite the fact it wouldn't disturb Jack no matter what he did, and makes his way over to the edge of the bed, taking Jack’s pale hand in his again, rubbing soothing circles around the back of Jack’s hand in the hopes that it will somehow get through to him. He can feel the veins through the thin skin, feel the blood pumping through them, and that alone is enough reason to let out the breath he's been holding for what seems like hours.

“Hey, Zimms.” There's no response, aside from the steady beeping of a heart monitor, not like Kent was expecting one. “Listen, I know you can't hear me, and you won't remember this once you wake up, but I will, so I have to do it. I didn't want to confess this way, at all, but I'm afraid if I don't do it now I'll never get the chance.” 

He takes a deep breath, looks around the room. There's a TV on in the corner, playing some old sitcom Kent’s never seen, and the steady hum of the fluorescent lights overhead. It reminds Kent too much of the day his dad died, so he talks to cover up the sounds of despair. “I think I love you, Jack. I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified because I never had the balls to tell you, and now you might be dying, or you might be okay, but I'll still be too scared to tell you again once you can hear me. I love you and I hate that I can't fix you, I wish I could make you feel whatever it is you're missing, I’d do anything to fill that hole in your chest you try so hard to ignore. The pills couldn't do it, Jack, and neither can I, but I'm here for you, always, because you're my world. You're all I have in this shitshow we call life, besides my mom, but you know she’d do anything for you, too. She adores you just as much as I do, you're like a son to her. She's always telling me I should just be honest with you, but I can't do that to you. You deserve more than this, you deserve more than me, you deserve the world, and I hope you know that. All I want is for you to be happy, and healthy, and safe, and I know I've enabled you and I'm sorry for that, I'll try to be better. I've never been this terrified in my life, and I can't imagine how you must have felt to see this as your only option. Just, talk to me when you wake up, yeah? We kind of avoided it before, but it's all I can do for you, so just remember I'm here for you. I love you. Always.”

He leans down and kisses Jack’s temple, and keeps whispering encouragement to Jack till he falls asleep draped across his torso, with their fingers still intertwined. The first thing Kent hears when he wakes the next morning is Jack’s heartbeat, and it's a beautiful sound he's determined never to take for granted again.

**Author's Note:**

> Some notes on my headcanons related to this:
> 
> 01\. I think Jack was probably diagnosed with his anxiety before the OD, hence the mention of a therapy dog. Unfortunately sometimes no amount of precautions can keep the worst from happening.
> 
> 02\. In my opinion, Jack and Kent probably had a friends with benefits type of thing, except they both had feelings for the other and were just too afraid to talk about it. They're awkward and didn't know what they were doing so they kind of just avoided it.
> 
> 03\. After Jack wakes up, Bob's the first person he sees. Kent had to go to school, and Alicia was making a coffee run since neither of them had slept since Jack was hospitalised. (The fact it's Bob he sees is probably symbolic in some way but who knows.)
> 
> 04\. After Jack's release, he gets transferred to rehab, where of course you can't really have outside contact, so that's when he and Kenny start to drift apart. Kent doesn't realise at the time that Jack will end up essentially cutting him out of his life, but that's a whole other story.
> 
> 05\. Kent's mom is super emotionally supportive; since Kent's dad died of an OD she gets it. They're really close okay - I have a lot of feelings about this but to avoid a rant I'll just leave it at that.
> 
> TALK TO ME ABOUT ANGSTY BABY PIMMS HEADCANONS~


End file.
